Hyacinth: YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED LEFT. - Richard: I DID TURN LEFT.
I DISTINCTLY TOLD YOU TO TURN LEFT.
THAT'S WHY I TURNED LEFT. I'M NO FOOL.
IT'S EASIER TO BE LOST THAN DISOBEDIENT.
RICHARD.
I HOPE THE ENTIRE WEEKEND ISN'T GOING TO BE
SPOILED BY YOUR REBELLIOUS MANNER.
REBELLIOUS? IT'S HARDLY "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY."
DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
AH...
YOU SEE.
I KNEW IT WAS LEFT.
I NEVER DOUBTED IT FOR A MOMENT.
IT'S SO LONG SINCE I'VE PLAYED GOLF.
HMM?
I SAID IT'S SO LONG SINCE I'VE PLAYED GOLF.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THE MAJOR DOWN.
IT'S VERY KIND OF THE MAJOR AND HIS WIFE
TO SUGGEST THAT WE JOIN THEM FOR THE WEEKEND.
IT MEANS THAT WE'RE SOCIALLY UPWARDLY MOBILE.
UNTIL HE SEES HOW I PLAY GOLF.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PRACTICING?
I DON'T LIKE GOLF!
THAT'S VERY SELFISH.
LOOK, THERE'S THE MAJOR'S LITTLE TWO-SEATER.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING A TRIFLE ODD
ABOUT ELDERLY MEN IN TWO-SEATERS?
I WOULDN'T CALL THE MAJOR ELDERLY.
HE'S OUR AGE. - THANK YOU, RICHARD.
I CAN SEE IT'S GOING TO BE A MEMORABLE WEEKEND.
ALL I MEANT WAS-
IS WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, DEAR.
I SHOULD PREFER IT IF YOU-AH!
YOU WILL BE CAREFUL WITH THE LUGGAGE.
IT'S A PART OF A VERY EXPENSIVE MATCHING SET.
YES, MADAM.
OH, YES, I LIKE THE AMBIENCE.
IT'S MORE BARONIAL THAN HOTEL.
THE MAJOR'S WIFE AND I WILL BE QUITE HAPPY HERE.
Man: GOOD MORNING. - Richard: MORNING.
RING THE BELL.
CAN I HELP YOU?
MR. AND MRS. RICHARD BOUQUET.
WE HAVE A RESERVATION.
WHAT WAS THE NAME AGAIN, PLEASE.
BOUQUET.
THAT'S SPELLED B-U-C-K-E-T.
OH, BUCKET!
OH, YES. WE HAVE A BUCKET.
PRONOUNCED "BOUQUET,"DEAR.
IF YOU WOULD JUST FILL IN THE FORM, PLEASE.
DO BE CAREFUL WITH THE LUGGAGE.
IT'S PART OF A VERY EXPENSIVE MATCHING SET.
WHAT DOES SHE THINK IT IS, ALLIGATOR?
ALLIGATOR?
FOR HER THAT WOULD BE A MATCHING SET.
KINDLY INFORM THE MAJOR AND MRS. WILTON SMYTHE
THAT WE HAVE ARRIVED.
THE MAJOR AND MRS. SMYTHE? - YES. THEY'RE FRIENDS.
WE'RE HERE FOR A WEEKEND BREAK TOGETHER.
I'M AFRAID THE MAJOR IS HERE ALONE.
OH? - HE'S NOT TRAVELING WITH HIS WIFE.
THAT'S STRANGE.
I DO HOPE SHE'S NOT ILL, DEAR.
STILL, I'M SURE IF SHE IS
THEY'RE MEDICALLY VERY WELL COVERED.
THERE WE ARE, MADAM. - THANK YOU.
OH, YES. IT'S QUITE NICE.
I'LL PUT THE LUGGAGE OVER THERE, SIR.
FINE, FINE.
WE ALMOST GOT LOST AS WE NEARED THE HOTEL.
WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?
NO THANKS. - THERE'S YOUR KEY.
THANK YOU. - OOH, THANK YOU, SIR.
AND-
I HOPE YOU HAVE A PLEASANT STAY.
POOR MAJOR.
ALL ALONE.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHILE WE'RE GOLFING?
I SHALL LOUNGE AND LUXURIATE
AND READ MY DAME BARBARA CARTLAND...
AND GET SOMEBODY UP HERE TO WIPE THESE WINDOWS.
AND DON'T FORGET THE KEY, WILL YOU, DEAR? OH.
laughing )
SNAP THAT SUSPENDER!
KEEP JOKING.
DOESN'T SOUND AS IF HE'S HERE FOR THE GOLF EITHER.
RICHARD...
LOOK IN THE REGISTER, SEE WHO'S IN ROOM 210.
BUT WE MUSTN'T PRY.
HOW CAN I GIVE THEM A DISAPPROVING LOOK IF DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE?
GO ON.
SUPPOSE SOMEBODY COMES, I'LL FEEL LIKE SHULTZ THE MASTER SPY.
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE MAJOR'S ROOM.
IF, WHILE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE MAJOR'S ROOM,
YOUR EYE HAPPENS TO NOTE WHO IS IN ROOM 210-
NOW LET'S SEE!
WHAT ARE THE CULTURAL OPTIONS
FOR THE GOLFING WIDOW THIS WEEKEND?
IF I MIGHT SUGGEST ONE OPTION?
YOU COULD DO THE GOLFING AND I'LL BE THE WIDOW.
NOW DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
YOU'LL ENJOY PLAYING WITH THE MAJOR.
I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
WELL, WHO'S IN ROOM 210?
PARDON? - MR. AND MRS. SMITH.
NOW DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE!
OH, THIS IS BETTER.
THESE PEOPLE LOOK MORE OUR SORT.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
THEY'RE READING FULL-SIZED NEWSPAPERS.
I WOULD NEVER STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH ANYBODY WHO READS THE TABLOIDS.
NOW, YOU RUN ALONG AND FIND THE MAJOR.
I SHALL BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT.
GOOD MORNING. - GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
MORNING. - MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
LOVELY DAY.
I THOUGHT MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE BEEN BACK BY NOW.
HE'S GONE OFF TO FETCH HIS FRIEND, THE MAJOR.
THEY'RE GOLFING TOGETHER,
MY HUSBAND AND THE MAJOR.
MY HUSBAND ALLOWS HIMSELF OCCASIONAL BREAKS
FROM HIS ENORMOUS RESPONSIBILITIES
WITH ONE OF THE LARGER LOCAL AUTHORITIES.
THOUGH HE DOES GET A GREAT DEAL OF MENTAL SATISFACTION
FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT OUR SON, SHERIDAN,
IS DOING SO WELL AT UNIVERSITY.
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE LONG?
SINCE YESTERDAY. - OOH, A LONG WEEKEND.
THAT'S NICE. - IT WOULD'VE BEEN,
EXCEPT FOR THE NOISES FROM ROOM 210.
OH MY GOODNESS, YES.
ROOM 210.
WE PASSED IT JUST NOW.
IT'S NOT WHAT ONE EXPECTS FROM A FOUR-STAR HOTEL.
IF IT CONTINUES I SHALL COMPLAIN.
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I UNDERSTAND THE COUPLE WILL BE LEAVING THIS MORNING.
WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.
NOISES LIKE THAT CAN BE VERY DISCONCERTING
FOR A CONSIDERATE HUSBAND LIKE MINE.
MR. AND MRS. SMITH INDEED.
ONE WONDERS WHERE THESE PEOPLE COME FROM.
COME ON!
WILL YOU STOP IT?
I'VE RARELY KNOWN ANYONE QUITE AS MISCHIEVOUS AS YOU.
NOW THAT'S MY SHERIDAN AT 14
WITH HIS MUSIC DIPLOMA.
AND THIS IS THE HOUSE WE LIVED IN THEN.
OF COURSE WE'VE MOVED TO A MUCH LARGER ONE NOW
IN A VERY EXCLUSIVE AREA.
RICHARD LOVES TO GARDEN.
HE LOVES TO GARDEN WHEN HE'S NOT GOLFING WITH THE MAJOR.
NOT THAT HE ONLY PLAYS WITH MAJORS, OF COURSE.
AFTER ALL, WE'RE DEMOCRATIC TO THE CORE.
BUT THEN NATURALLY ONE PREFERS ONE'S OWN KIND.
OH!
HERE'S MY SHERIDAN SHRIMPING WITH HIS DADDY IN 1979.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
AH, THERE YOU ARE, BUCKET!
ACTUALLY, MAJOR, IT'S PRONOUNCED-
WHAT? - NOTHING, NOTHING.
LOOK, ABOUT THE GOLF. - YES, THE GOLF.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T MAKE IT.
I'VE GOT THIS DAMNED DICKEY LEG.
THERE'S STILL SOME POXY FOREIGN LEAD IN IT,
PLAYS ME OFF OCCASIONALLY.
I HAVE TO THRASH THE DAMNED THING, YOU KNOW.
NOW, ABOUT THIS GOLF.
I'VE ARRANGED FOR YOU TO HAVE A ROUND WITH PORKY HOOTEN.
NICE FELLOW. HE'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU AT THE CLUBHOUSE.
YOU'VE GOT THE NAME? - UH, PORKY HOOTEN?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'LL LIKE OLD PORKY.
JUST KEEP AN EYE ON HIS SCORING, THAT'S ALL.
I'M REALLY NOT BOTHERED ABOUT THE GOLF.
NOT BOTHERED? DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD,
NOT AROUND HERE. YOU'LL ENJOY IT WITH PORKY.
TAKE A HIP FLASK WITH YOU.
HE LIKES A PARTNER TO HAVE A HIP FLASK. OFF YOU GO NOW!
PORKY'S WAITING - I HAVEN'T GOT A HIP FLASK.
SHOVE A BOTTLE IN YOUR BAG, OLD BOY. CHOP CHOP!
GOLF?
YOUR ROSE DIDN'T TAKE ANY CLUBS.
I DON'T THINK SHE'D NEED ANY CLUBS.
LOOKS A BIT PRICEY.
SHE'S NOT PAYING, IS SHE?
DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE TIME FOR A BEVY BEFORE WE TAKE HER HOME?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
IT'S A HOTEL.
IT SAYS, "OPEN TO NONRESIDENTS."
JUST ONE BEVY ON ACCOUNT THAT I'M DRIVING.
UNLESS YOUR ROSE IS GONNA DRIVE.
AND THEN I COULD HAVE A FEW.
YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO PUT ON A JACKET.
RUBBISH.
HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT GOLFERS WEAR?
IT'S ANYTHING GOES IN GOLFING WEAR.
GOOD MORNING.
AH, MRS. BUCKET-
MRS. BOUQUET, CAN I HELP YOU?
I WISH THE TOWELS IN MY ROOM
TO BE REPLACED, PLEASE. - IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
YOUR TOWELS ARE RATHER HARD AND NAUGHTY, YOU SEE.
POSSIBLY NOT FOR THOSE OF COARSER SKIN,
BUT IF I DRIED MYSELF ON THEM
I'D PROBABLY LOSE AN ENTIRE LAYER OF MY EPIDERMIS.
I SHOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD FIND ME SOMETHING SOFTER.
CERTAINLY, MADAM. - THIS IS NOT JUST A WHIM.
I HAVE AN UNBLEMISHED REPUTATION AT HOME
FOR THE QUALITY OF MY BATHROOM LINEN.
I'M SURE YOU HAVE, MADAM.
IT IS ONE OF THE ATTRACTIONS OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS
THAT OUR GUESTS ARE ABLE TO PEEK AT THE QUALITY OF MY BATHROOM LINEN.
I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU, MRS.-
GOOD.
AND IF AT THE SAME TIME,
YOU COULD GET SOMEBODY UP THERE TO WIPE THE WINDOW IN MY ROOM?
IT LOOKS AS THOUGH SOMETHING'S BEEN SQUASHED ON IT.
WE'LL SEE TO THAT, MRS. BOUQUET.
THANK YOU, DEAR. I DO LIKE THINGS TO BE JUST SO.
IT'S NOT THAT I'M FUSSY, OF COURSE.
FIND A BLOKE
HER TO PLACES LIKE THIS?
IF I HADN'T STAYED FAITHFUL
MAYBE I COULD HAVE FOUND A BLOKE WHO COULD AFFORD
TO BRING ME TO PLACES LIKE THIS.
NO.
I BET IT NEEDS MORE THAN JUST BEING UNFAITHFUL.
IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE THAT MAKES YOU THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD A SHAVE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD.
I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD A SHAVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE THING IS TO ACT NATURAL.
BE YOURSELF, ALWAYS BE YOURSELF.
IF PEOPLE CAN'T PENETRATE UNIMPORTANT SURFACE ISSUES
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA APPRECIATE YOUR FUNDAMENTAL QUALITIES ANYWAY.
WHAT FUNDAMENTAL QUALITIES?
I'M CALM IN A CRISIS.
THAT'S A FUNDAMENTAL QUALITY.
ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BONE IDLE TO RUSH ABOUT IN A PANIC.
WELL, ARE WE GOING IN, OR NOT?!
I WANNA FINISH MY CIGGY.
OH, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.
IS YOUR SKIN OF A SENSITIVE NATURE?
ARE YOU SATISFIED
WITH THE QUALITY OF THE BATHROOM LINEN HERE?
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ORGANIZE SOFTER TOWELS FOR YOU?
ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST GOING FOR A WALK AROUND THE GARDEN.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT. THE GARDEN.
WE OFTEN HAVE A LOOK AROUND THE GROUNDS.
SO, PERHAPS WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
WHAT A SHAME, JUST AS WE WERE BEGINNING TO ENJOY OURSELVES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DON'T I COME WITH YOU?
NO.
THERE'S NO NEED TO INTERRUPT YOUR PLANS.
BUT I SHOULD LOVE TO STROLL AROUND THE GROUNDS WITH YOU.
REALLY? - OH YES.
TO ME, HORTICULTURE AT ITS HIGHEST IS LIKE MUSIC,
EXCEPT FOR THE MANURE OF COURSE.
THE GROUNDS LOOKED LOVELY FROM OUR BEDROOM WINDOW.
YOU MUST SHOW ME ALL THE POINTS OF INTEREST.
ALL OF THEM? WOULDN'T JUST A FEW-
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF MISSING A SINGLE ONE.
YOU MIGHT FIND IT RATHER TIRING.
OH, IN THE APPRECIATION OF NATURE YOU'LL FIND ME TIRELESS.
IT'S A WELL-KNOWN FACT, OF COURSE,
THAT THE LOVE OF A GARDEN IS INDICATIVE OF ONE'S SOCIAL STANDING,
AS I AM SURE YOU'LL AGREE.
I ALWAYS MAKE NOTES OF COURSE.
I'LL MAKE SOME FOR YOU, IF YOU LIKE?
CHANGE THE TOWELS NOW, WHILE THERE'S NO ONE IN THE ROOM.
BEFORE SHE FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO SQUAWK ABOUT.
OH, YOU'VE NOT SEE HER YET?
LUCKY YOU.
OH, MRS. BOUQUET, I'VE JUST ASKED...
ROSE! - HYACINTH!
ROSE! WE MUST SPEAK, ROSE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT? - AH, THE DELECTABLE MRS. BUCKET!
NOTHING!
OH, MAJOR. HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
I SAY,
LIVELY COUPLE IN THERE, JUDGING BY THE NOISES-OFF.
DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE? - HARDLY.
THOUGHT NOT. - EXCUSE ME.
MIND YOURSELF, OLD CHAP. YOU'LL TRIP SOMEBODY UP.
GET IN!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOLFING, MAJOR.
A SPOT OF BOTHER WITH THE JOLLY OLD KNEE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I DON'T WISH TO DISCUSS THAT WITH A PERFECT STRANGER.
RIFF-RAFF.
RICHARD!
IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT, ARE WE, OLD CHAP?
WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH THAT GIRL?
I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING WITH HER.
I'M JUST ABOUT TO HAVE A BATH BEFORE CHANGING,
AND I SURPRISED HER. - I'M NOT SURPRISED.
SCARED HER WITLESS, OLD BOY.
I WAS ABOUT TO INVITE YOUR GOOD LADY FOR A DRINK.
YES, IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, MAJOR.
I COULD DO WITH A DRINK.
BUT NOT DOWNSTAIRS, THERE ARE TOO MANY STRANGE PEOPLE ABOUT.
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
I'LL MEET YOU IN THE CAR PARK IN 10 MINUTES.
YES. I'LL TRY.
RICHARD.
ONSLOW IS HERE.
WHY IS ONSLOW HERE? - BECAUSE ROSE IS HERE.
HE'S COME TO TAKE HER HOME. - HAS ROSE BEEN STAYING HERE?
IN ROOM 210.
I MUST KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE MAJOR.
THEY'LL ONLY MAKE FUN OF HIS LEG.
PERSONALLY, I'D RATHER BE WITH ONSLOW THAN GOING GOLFING.
THE MAJOR'S BOOKED ME WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER.
SOMEBODY CALLED PORKY HOOTEN.
PORKY HOOTEN?
OH, THAT'S VERY PUBLIC SCHOOL.
PORKY HOOTEN.
YOU MUST WEAR SOMETHING STRIKING TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.
I WAS GOING TO WEAR- - I'LL ADVISE YOU WHAT TO WEAR.
THIS MAN IS PROBABLY CONNECTED CLOSELY WITH THE ARISTOCRACY.
HE MAY EVEN HAVE A TITLE.
THEY DO, YOU KNOW, WITH NAMES LIKE PORKY HOOTEN.
THE ONE THING THEY CAN'T BEAR IS TIMIDITY.
YOU MUST MAKE EVERY EFFORT, RICHARD,
TO STUN HIM WITH YOUR PERSONALITY.
OH, THERE SHE IS,
THE MINX.
COMING, MAJOR.
GOD, SHE'S ATTRACTIVE IN A WEIRD SORT OF WAY.
WHAT'S OUR HYACINTH DOING HERE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING HERE.
ALL I KNOW, IS THAT I DAREN'T BRING MY FRIEND
DOWNSTAIRS IN CASE SHE'S LURKING ABOUT.
SHE'S LIABLE TO CAUSE A SCENE.
THANK YOU. WOULD YOU PUT THAT ON ROOM 210?
VERY GOOD, MADAM.
WHAT'S THESE?
JUST A FEW BISCUITS, SIR.
I'VE GOT A LONG DRIVE. WHAT ABOUT A BACON BUTTIE?
I'M AFRAID AT THIS TIME OF DAY
IT'S JUST COFFEE AND BISCUITS, SIR.
OH, CHUFF ME.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING ON ALL WEEKEND?
DON'T ASK.
I WONDER IF IT'S SAFE TO BRING MY FRIEND DOWNSTAIRS.
TO GET STUCK INTO THESE BISCUITS?
ANOTHER ONE TO GET STUCK INTO ALL THESE FIVE LITTLE BISCUITS?
OH, NICE.
READY FOR A LITTLE SPIN?
ANYWHERE, MAJOR. JUST TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.
OH!
ALONE AT LAST.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAJOR? - CAN'T YOU TELL?
NOW, MAJOR-
HERE AND NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.
I MUST BE GETTING BACK.
OH!
LISTEN! I BELIEVE I HEAR A LINNET.
GOD, YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO INFLAME A CHAP.
NO. UN-UN-UN...
UN-UNHAND ME.
I'M A MEMBER OF THE CHORAL SOCIETY.
MATURE, MATRONLY LADIES
HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY PABULUM.
OOH!
EVEN AS A YOUNG MAN, MY COLLEAGUES WERE ALL CHASING AFTER
BUT I WAS CAPTIVATED BY THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE.
SHE WAS BUILT TO LAST, BUT I LOVED HER.
OO-OOH!
REALLY, YOU MUST STOP, MAJOR.
IF MY SHERIDAN WERE HERE HE'D BE APPALLED.
OO-OOH!
SHE REALLY DOES REMIND ME OF THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE.
DAMN IT. I'VE SCARED HER, THE LITTLE FLOWER.
I LOVE YOU, MRS. BUCKET!
IT'S "BOUQUET"!
COME BACK!
OW!
I THOUGHT YOUR ROSE WAS READY.
SHE'S JUST SAYING GOODBYE.
I HOPE IT'S NOT ONE OF HER LONG GOODBYES.
IF IT'S ONE OF YOUR ROSE'S LONG GOODBYES
WE'LL BE HERE ALL AFTERNOON.
I REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO HAVE LONG GOODBYES,
BACK IN THE BUS SHELTER IN GARIBALDI STREET.
YOU REMEMBER! - OF COURSE I REMEMBER.
WE MISSED THE FIZZING BUS, DIDN'T WE?
WHAT THE HECK?
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO OUR HYACINTH?
AT A ROUGH GUESS, I'D SAY SHE'D BEEN MAULED BY A BEAR.
IT'S NOT OFTEN OUR HYACINTH LOOKS
LIKE SHE'S BEEN MAULED BY A BEAR.
THAT'S MORE LIKE ROSE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL GROUNDS.
A LITTLE OVERGROWN IN PLACES.
PBBBBB.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
TYPICAL.
MEN EXPECT YOU TO LOOK YOUR BEST AT EVERY MOMENT.
WE'RE GOING HOME, RICHARD.
NO GOLF?
NO.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK
THERE'S NO COMPASSION IN THE UNIVERSE.
DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
BUT WHY ARE WE GOING HOME? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?
I'VE JUST BEEN MAKING A FEW HORTICULTURAL NOTES.
POOR OLD MAJOR. HE WAS WOUNDED.
SOMEWHERE EAST OF SUEZ I THINK.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THOUGH HE DID PAY ME A GREAT COMPLIMENT.
APPARENTLY I REMIND HIM OF THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE.